Ok so everyone family has gone through this and it is nothing new, but some how it is harder this time. I got through sending Cody off to school fine 15 years ago. I just wish I felt more confident with our plans to send Christopher to a public preschool program this time.
I actually like the school we are sending him to and was notified a couple of days ago of the name of his teacher. I was happy and relieved when I received the name and felt comforted that we are old family friends and she chose to have Christopher in her class. I am total confident that his teacher is and will be able to do an outstanding job with him and that he will learn more than he ever would from me and my limited knowledge. I understand that he needs to get more socialization and spend time with kids his own age but none of this comforts me. I am not sure why it is so different with the second child.
I wonder if it is my knowledge of public schools that makes me so sad. Maybe it is my lack of faith that our children are safe . Maybe it is remembering the first time Cody came home with hurt feelings and tears in his eyes. I know at some point it will happen to Christopher and apart of me will die when it does.
Even after hearing the great news about his new teacher, somewhere deep inside I think something broke. I am not sure but I think it was my heart. I was totally unprepared for the feelings of despair and loss that run through me yesterday afternoon. I am not sure I am ready to hand him over to the world. That mean cold world where everything is out of my hands and in someone elses. It is similar to the feeling of loss I had when Tom was shipping out to the Gulf War. A feeling that you have no say in what happens to you and those you love. You are a buy standers in the situation and from now on you just have to fallow what others say is best your loved one.
I had thought about Home Schooling and may still if I find that Christopher is not unhappy at school but for now I also realise that I am not a great teacher for a preschooler. I have limited skills and my tolerance for normal preschool behavior is well let say… ok… but not great. So I know he needs some one who is more skilled than me and I do not think Christopher needs me 24-7 now that he is almost 5. He needs to grow roots that are deep and strong away from the shadow of his family. I just need to “Let Go” a bit and I am finding that hard.
I love my sons and husband beyond words and want the very best for them even if that means I have to step to the side so they can grow and shine in their own right. Letting go is part of that growth but boy I feel like it is me who is having growing pains. I did not expect this when he was born… I though ok I have done this once I am experienced and the second will be easier. I was wrong, about so many things with this second child and I am not sure if everyone feels this way or not but everything is different.
Maybe by next week I will be able to put him on that bus and wave as he drives away with out going hysterical. I hope that will not need to fallow the bus through town and into the parking area of his school. I hope that when that bus arrives Christopher and I will both be ready for a new day and new story in our lives. But the lesson of letting go of him is taking me by surprise.
Wish Us Luck I could really use it about now!